Tuesday, January 31, 2012
- I feel guilty that I stopped breast feeding Nate at 8 months. I wish I never would have done that.
- I have wanted to cloth diaper since before Audrey was born, but keep putting it off because they are expensive and every time I consider it I shy away because I know I won't get as much use out of them as I would have if I started sooner, but I still really want to do it. Then I think I'll get lazy with it. Ugh. It's a viscous cycle in my head. But then I get jealous of moms that do cloth diaper (haha).
- Audrey still sleeps in our bed. I have her sleep in a pack n play next to my bed for part of the night until she wakes up. I've tried to put her in her own room, but I feel bad, and I'm also a little lazy and don't want to get up in the middle of the night and am just waiting till she sleeps through the night.
- I feel guilty that I didn't co sleep with Nate, but at the same time I'm glad. I do think co sleeping is good for a baby's development, but totally understand if a mom doesn't want to do it.
- I still breast feed Audrey. I love it and I hate it. I know it's the reason she doesn't sleep through the night and I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to wean her. I don't think she is ready to be weaned. I am really sick of breast feeding at times, but at others I don't feel ready to give it up knowing that if this is our last baby then I'll never get to do it again.
- I take pictures of my kids so that you can't see how messy my house is. I have always tried to be organized and have seen myself improve so much over the years that I know I will eventually get to where I want to be, but just feel so far from it that sometimes I get so discouraged and end up getting too far behind. But my house is not constantly messy and that makes me feel better about myself.
- Speaking of pictures I feel like I didn't take enough pictures of Nate when he was a baby. I'm sure I took way more than my mom did, but I wish I would have had an iPhone back then because that has made it SO much easier!
- I want to be a parent that never yells at their kids because I have read so much about how kids actually behave way better if you can talk to them and explain and stay away from time outs. But it's exhausting to keep up with because I suck at it and end up yelling all the time.
- Vaccinations are such a hard subject for me. I get the arguments from both sides and just don't know how I feel. Nate is fully vaccinated, but I have only gotten a few for Audrey because our insurance is so terrible that I have barely taken her into the doctor at all. I'm getting new insurance in May that will cover them. I just don't want to be judged either way! UGH!
- I wish I wouldn't have circumcized Nate. Like a lot actually. I don't want to get into it, but basically I'm sorry little buddy I hope you don't care when you're older.
- I want another baby for all the wrong reasons. I want to be pregnant and have another home birth and have a brand new baby to wear around all the time and for people to come visit (basically I want another babymoon) but the thought of having three children terrifies me. Partly because I am going back to school and don't want to neglect a baby. I don't plan to be a work from home mom forever. Maybe I'll have these two, wait a few years and have two more. I don't know! I go back and forth all the time.
- Audrey still uses a binky. I don't know why people think it is so awful for toddlers to have binkies. So freaking what? They won't use them forever! Not that she's really that old yet, but I just had to get out how annoying it is when people judge moms for that.
- I let my kids stay up late because I like to sleep in.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
So I started physical therapy today. First I soaked my hand in a whirlpool for 10 minutes then they got an ultrasound machine out which isn't like the ultrasounds you get with a baby. It sends the soundwaves into my hand and I can actually feel it and it gives some deep heat (is what the aide said). Then they taught me some exercizes to do and after I did them they shocked my hand and iced it for 15 minutes to prevent it from swelling. It's quite a frustrating process because you have to deal with having a cast for almost 2 months and once it comes off things aren't magically better. You have to get used to using it again. And some things are actually harder to do without the cast because if your joints bend it hurts. For example, I went to tickle Nate and bumped my fingers and it caused a shooting pain. But on the other hand (no pun intended haha) sleeping last night was FANTASTIC!!! I could put my hand under my pillow and it was SO confortable!!! I could rub Audrey while she was asleep too. And showering....aaaahhhh so nice! I didn't have to wrap my arm up in a garbage bag!
It is so weird how you go 25 years with absolutely no problem bending your joints then you get a cast for 2 months out of the 300 you've been alive and they are immobile. But I'm happy that typing is no problem at all. It's nice to not have to bend my hand at a weird angle just to prevent my cast from bumping other keys! I'm glad I can go back to work. It's nice to have the time off, but I have been paid half as much as usual and am getting way behind on bills. It's awful! My tax return could not come fast enough! I'll be relieved when this is over. I'm sick of the constant knot in my stomach!
So I'm very glad to slowly be getting back to normal. And I'm super excited that I can work on my art projects and sewing! And get to organizing my house. Since it happened a month after we moved I didn't have the house how I wanted it and the cast totally hindered everything! I hope none of you ever have to have anything happen to your right hand because it interferes with your life more than you can even imagine!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Today is my brother's 30th birthday. Sure I've seen my brother and sister turn 30 before, but this one is different because this one means I'm next. So I thought it would be appropriate to make a list before I kick the age 30 bucket. Hopefully it doesn't turn out like JD on scrubs where I finish a triathlon on my birthday (good thing that's not on my list!). Ok here we go:
2-visit Europe (or at least another continent)
3-take an oil painting class
4-visit the Caribbean
5-sew Audrey an elaborate dress
6-learn to play the piano
7-make a meal using only food from my garden
8-grow a garden
9-become a certified childbirth instructor
10-give up sugar (this one will be the hardest. Stupid sugar tasting so good!!)
Well here's to the next 5 years! Wish me luck!!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I've recently had one of those moments when I realize that life isn't turning out the way I expected and that is OKAY. Not better or worse, just different. There's a certain order things go in and every time something happens out of order it's a great excuse to evaluate and modify.
This is the order I'm talking about:
-buy a house
This is mine:
-buy a house
I'm all backwards!!! But in my head after I found out I was pregnant with Nate my planned order was this:
So I realized that my order changed again, but definitely for the better! But the thing is, I still have in my head finish school and get career. As much as I'd love to work for jetblue forever, it's truly not my desired field. It's the absolute most perfect job for me right now, but yeah, I miss the medical field. I never wanted to admit it, but it's true.
I kept telling myself I would go back to school when my kids are in school, but buying a house was a major game changer. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be paying less for a mortgage than rent. Now that I know how much we will be spending a month for as long as we live here, I realized that I am only a 2 year program away from completely supporting my family. Not that Phil is going to quit working when I have a career, but it will open opportunities for him to do internships or go back to school and pursue his incredible music talent!!! Or whatever he decides to do that working a full time job makes it extremely hard to do.
I thought about doing radiology a lot. Then maybe a year ago my best friend told me she decided that she was going to do it (unrelated from each other. She didn't know I was thinking about it). So I am not making anymore excuses and decided to apply at the same time as her (we can't until next year). It was a great source of motivation to have her doing it too. I still like the idea of being a doula and a childbirth educator and am certain I'm not giving those up, but they don't have consistency and security and I won't be able to rely on either for a steady income.
Anyway I feel really great about this decision and hope it all works out! :)